So here’s my story…..

I am a registered dietitian and was first registered in 1975, almost 35 years ago!! In high school, I wanted to be a veterinarian because I loved animals – all kinds. I had horses, pigs, a steer, dogs, cats, guinea pigs. I was in Future Farmers of America (FFA), actually back then it was called “Farmerettes”, because girls weren’t allowed in the boy’s club. My first animal was a pig named Squeally, who I got in the 10th grade. He was doomed from the beginning because in FFA the whole purpose of having the animal is to raise it, train it, show it, sell it – for slaughter. I knew this but he became my pet anyway. He enjoyed as much belly scratching as your arms would allow, grunting and stretching as I scratched his bristle-covered hide. He was such a pet that when I hollered out to his pen, he would grunt and run in circles, as if he was trying to tell me something. Being a Farmerette was really great in 1967 for a teenage girl. Not many girls were interested in raising farm animals and all that goes with it so I had the boys in the FFA club almost all to myself. We went to the fairs,”horsed” around as teenagers do. It was, next to the birth of my two children, the best time of my life. But I digress.

As I mentioned, I thought I wanted to be a vet. Somehow I got the opportunity to work with a vet and he just TOLD me what I’d be doing – and that was the end of the vet idea. So now what was I to do for a career? I was about to go to college and had to pick a major. Somehow, I don’t remember now, but probably because it had to do with food, I decided to major in food and nutrition. I don’t even think I knew what a “dietitian” was or what they actually did, but it was interesting stuff and of course I really liked the food part of it - and so that became my new career path. Little did I know then the heart ache of being a dietitian would become for me.

In high school, I was popular with the boys. I was not unattractive – long blond hair, womanish figure (if you know what I mean), 5’6” and probably weighed maybe 140 pounds, maybe a size 14 dress – not 100% sure of either now – but I got a lot of attention from the guys so I was a “happy camper” and didn’t really think about my weight. And honestly, really, I am a big boned gal, sturdy with some “meat” on my bones, not like the skinny, anorexic style of today. Remember this was 1967 and the movie actresses like Marilyn Monroe were quite voluptuous – and healthy. And so it went for the 4 years of college.

To be a dietitian, registered with the American Dietetic Association, you have to complete an internship to gain supervised practical experience, usually done in a hospital environment. So like all the other Food and Nutrition students, I applied for internships. I had great grades in most classes and the support of my professors but it was brought to my attention by the professor in charge of the internship process, that I was “a little heavy”. According to dietitian standards, at 5’6”, I should have weighed 130 pounds. At this time, I was at 150 pounds but still looking pretty good. However, the unspoken expectation of the American Dietetic Association and Dietetic professionals, right or wrong, was that dietitians should be an example of the perfect nutrition specimen (kind of like a doctor should not smoke cigarettes while telling his patients it’s bad for them). In other words, a dietitian, the nutrition professional, should have a body weight that matches the height and weight charts for ideal body weight. Well, I was 20 pounds overweight by those charts and the professor in charge of internships was concerned that this might be a problem for me in getting an internship. Not seeing myself as overweight, I was surprised by this. So I made a point of visiting the internships that I applied to so they could see me in person that I, in my opinion, was a “good specimen of nutritional health” and deserved to be accepted into their program. (Part of the application package required a photograph so they could see how you looked and you know how the camera adds extra pounds!!). Well, I did not get an internship. I don’t recall whether it was stated blatantly but the undercurrent of conversations that my weight was the reason I did not get an internship. I believe this is when my “issue” with weight really started in earnest.

I won’t bore you with the details of my life but I did get a “traineeship” at Los Angeles County/University of Southern California Medical Center and passed the test to become a registered dietitian in 1975. But I was already beginning to feel the pressure of the need to be at a “normal” weight so that patients I worked with would have confidence that I could help them achieve their goals. Fortunately, or not, I did not react to this pressure with extreme measures to control weight as some people, some dietitians do.

My first job as a dietitian was at Daniel Freeman Hospital in Inglewood, California. I was grateful to get that first job and worked the evening shift, part time as a dietitian working with cancer and heart patients and part time supervising college students in serving the dinner meal. Throughout school, like most dietitians, I never in a million years thought I’d enjoy the management part of the profession. But this experience opened my eyes to this possibility and would eventually lead me down a new career path where how much I weighed was not such an issue.

It’s kind of funny (not the ha-ha kind) how life’s events can have such an impact on your life and how you feel about yourself. People can toss out casual comments that, to them, probably mean nothing but can hurt and damage you deeply and forever. You know how you can clearly remember certain events in your life, like where you were when President Kennedy was shot in 1963, or when the space shuttle blew up on take-off in the early 1980’s, or when the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in New York came tumbling down on 9/11/2001. I can remember in the same way various comments different people have made to me over the years that have impacted my feelings and beliefs about myself.

At my second job as a consultant dietitian in nursing homes, my supervisor made a back hand comment on how could I be so heavy when I didn’t eat much (after having asked about getting some lunch). The clinical dietitian at a hospital where I was the manager of the Food and Nutrition department told me that it’s okay to be heavy in management because it looks like the food is good. The young men who make comments about a beached whale as you lay sunbathing on a beach or the girlfriend who comments about a tummy exposed in a bikini that is not board-flat. And at only 150 pounds in my twenties, so it starts a lifetime of struggles with weight and self-image and lack of confidence and embarrassment every time I was asked about my profession. It was and still is difficult to say “dietitian” out loud and not feel that people are thinking negatively about how can I be a dietitian when I am overweight myself and not the vision of a perfect nutritional specimen. It doesn’t matter if they really think that or not. The damage has been done.

So what have I done these last 30-some years? I’ve been married and divorced, had two children, earned a Master of Science degree in Food Systems Management, redirected my career toward supervision, management, good menus, great recipes and even greater food. I have been successful at it and loved it! Have I come to terms with not being the perfect, ideal weight dietitian? I don’t think so – I’ve worked in management instead where being heavy is OK, remember that dietitian’s comment earlier? My weight has fluctuated as high as 250 pounds and as low as 169, now around 220. I’ve tried all kinds of ways to lose the weight – and I DO know how to do it the right way. But I’ve not been successful for the long term. Why? Obviously there is more to losing weight than just cutting back on calories. It is complicated and I don’t know all the answers, though I do have my theories. What I DO know is that my struggles with my weight make me a more understanding and empathetic dietitian who can hopefully help others toward their goals, whatever they might be. Dietitians who have never had to struggle with their weight just don’t get it, why some people can’t just quit eating.

I sometimes wonder. What if I had taken that path to be a veterinarian instead of a dietitian? How would my life be different now? Would my weight be such a factor in my life? I’ll never know. So now I’m going to keep a journal, a diary, of the story of my struggle with weight loss and along the way throw in tidbits of information on current health and nutrition topics. Maybe something I say or do will be of help to someone else.